Cool Jokes Collection

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him,

he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?" "Something for my mother, please." said the young lady. "Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her?" Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Well, then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find
out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

Santa and Banta were hiking in the woods when Santa is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I'll go into town for a doctor," Banta says.

He runs 10 miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is busy delivering a baby.

"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little 'x' where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

Banta runs back to his friend, who is in agony.

"What did the doctor say?" Santa asks.

"He says you're gonna die."

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

एक डॉक्टर साहब एक पार्टी में गए । अपने बीच शहर के एक प्रतिष्ठित डॉक्टर को पाकर लोगों ने उन्हें घेर लिया। किसी को जुकाम था तो किसी के पेट में गैस। सभी मुफ्त की राय लेने के चक्कर में थे। शिष्टाचारवश डॉक्टर साहब किसी को मना नहीं कर पा रहे थे।

उसी पार्टी में शहर के एक नामी वकील भी आए हुए थे। मौका मिलते ही डॉक्टर साहब वकील साहब के पास पहुंचे और उन्हें एक ओर ले जाकर बोले - यार ! मैं तो परेशान हो गया हूं। सभी फ्री में इलाज कराने के चक्कर में हैं। तुम्हें भी ऐसे लोग मिलते हैं क्या ?

वकील साहब - बहुत मिलते हैं ।

डॉक्टर साहब - तो फिर उनसे कैसे निपटते हो ?

वकील साहब - बिलकुल सीधा तरीका है । मैं उन्हें सलाह देता हूं जैसा कि वो चाहते हैं। बाद में उनके घर बिल भिजवा देता हूं।

यह बात डॉक्टर साहब को कुछ जम गई । अगले रोज उन्होंने भी पार्टी में मिले कुछ लोगों के नाम बिल बनाए और उन्हें भिजवाने ही वाले थे कि तभी उनका नौकर अन्दर आया और बोला - साहब, कोई आपसे मिलना चाहता है ।

डॉक्टर साहब - कौन है ?

नौकर - वकील साहब का चपरासी है । कहता है कल रात पार्टी में आपने वकील साहब से जो राय ली थी उसका बिल लाया है .......

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes, knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn`t home.
" Well," the woman said, " could I please wait for her?"
The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.
After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked," May I know where your wife is?"
" She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she coming?"
"I don`t really know," he said. "She`s been there eleven years now."

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"

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