Cool Jokes Collection

Intezar rehta hai har shaam apka,
raatein katti hai le kar naam apka,
muddat se baithe hai ye aas lagaye
ki aaj aayega koi paigaam apka…

Aksar jab hum aapko yaad karte hai
apne rab se yahi fariyaad karte hai
umar hamari bhi lag jaye aapko
kyoki hum aap ko khud se zyada pyar karte hai…

Aye mohabbat tere anjaam pe rona aaya
Jaane kyon aaj tere naam pe rona aaya
Yun to har sham umedon mein guzar jaati hai
Aaj kuch baat hai jo sham pe rona aaya

Geet ki zaroorat mehfil mein hoti hai
Pyar ki zaroorat dil mein hoti hai
Bin dosti ke adhuri hai yeh zindagi
Kyunki dost ki zaroorat har pal mehsus hoti hai

आज काफ़ी दिन बाद मैंने अपने ब्लॉग पर लिख रहा हूँ | बहुत सोचा क्या लिखा जाए | तो ख्याल आया उसके बारे में लिखूं जिसे मैंने कभी नही भूल सकता
तो उसके लिए १ शेर :-

कुछ रिश्ते होते हैं "हवाओं" की तरह,
बनके "खुशबू" ज़िन्दगी मैं घुल जाया करते हैं,

कुछ शख्स होते हैं "धुन" की तरह,
बनके "ग़ज़ल" ज़िन्दगी सुरमई कर जाया करते हैं,

जाने क्यूँ जब भी ज़िक्र होता है नाम का आपके,
हम "ग़ज़ल" की "धुन" और "हवाओं" की "खुशबू" को महसूस कर जाया करते हैं.......

धन्यवाद
दीपक श्रीवास्तव

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydneys larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge".
"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."
The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."
Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" came the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."
By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbour Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"
The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes, knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn`t home.
" Well," the woman said, " could I please wait for her?"
The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.
After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked," May I know where your wife is?"
" She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she coming?"
"I don`t really know," he said. "She`s been there eleven years now."

Ladies toilet:-

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy."Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that" she says "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".

1:- A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine’s Day cards for her son and father.
The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her.
She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes maim, they do, but they’re in Sporting Goods."
"Really?" exclaimed the woman.
"Yes maim. They’re called darts."

2:- A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

3:- A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

4:- A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by the husband's snoring decided to bring a needle and poke him when he nods off.

The next week the husband as always fell asleep. When the preacher asked "Who created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th". The wife stuck her husband and he jumped up and exclaimed "Oh my God!". The preacher said " That's correct". The husby soon fell asleep again. Then the preacher asked "And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?". The wife stuck her husband again when he jumped up and said "Jesus Christ!". The preacher said "Right again".

With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said "What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?". The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped and exclaimed "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!"

There once was a rich man who was dying. While on his death bed, he tried to negotiate with God to have God allow him to bring his earthly treasures with him to heaven.

"God, please, I have worked so hard to accumulate all these riches. Can't I bring them along?"

"This is very unusual," said God, "but since you have been such a faithful steward, I will allow you to bring one suitcase." The man immediately had a servant fill a large suitcase with gold bricks.

Shortly thereafter, he died. When he arrived at the pearly gates, he was stopped by St. Peter. "I'm sorry sir, but you know the rule -- 'you can't take it with you.' You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside."

"But God told me I could bring one suitcase," the man protested.

"Well, if God says it's okay -- but I still need to examine the contents before you enter."

St. Peter took the suitcase from the man, opened it, and, looking very puzzled, said to the man, "You brought pavement?"

Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog? A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.

Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?
A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: Why do English make better lovers than Portugese/Germans?
A: Because English are the only one's who can stay on top for 90 Minutes and still come second!

Q: What is common between a 3 pin plug and the England footbal team?
A: They are both useless in Europe!

Q. What's the difference between the English and a jet engine?
A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead English football fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What do English football fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. If you see an English football fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle. B. Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered." The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded." The fourth one says, "I prefer English football fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their Heads and arses are interchangeable."

Q. What do you have when 100 English football fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

संता की बीबी प्रीतो एक दुकान पर पहुंची जहां परिंदे बेचे जाते थे। एक तोते के पिंजरे के आगे कीमत लिखी थी - मात्र 50 रु. ।

प्रीतो ने दुकानदार से पूछा - इसकी कीमत इतनी कम क्यों है जबकि तुम्हारी दुकान पर दूसरा कोई भी तोता 500 रु. से कम का नहीं है।

- दरअसल इस तोते का बोलचाल ठीक नहीं है। यहां आने के पहले यह एक वैश्या के घर में था। इसलिए कभी-कभी अश्लील बातें और भद्दी गालियां बकने लगता है। आप कोई दूसरा तोता ले जाइये, यह आपके घर के लायक नहीं है।

प्रीतो ने दो मिनट सोचा फिर बोली - चलेगा। मैं इसे अपने घर के लायक बना लूंगी। आप तो यही तोता दे दीजिए।

घर लाकर उसने तोते का पिंजरा अपने बेडरूम में टांग दिया और उसके कुछ बोलने का इंतजार करने लगी।

तोते ने शांतिपूर्वक इधर-उधर का मुआयना किया फिर बोला - वाह ! नया घर और नई औरत ! क्या बात है !

- ये तो कोई गाली नहीं है। प्रीतो ने सोचा ।

थोड़ी देर बाद उसकी दोनों बेटियां कॉलेज से वापस आ गईं ।

उन्हें देखते ही तोता बोला - दो-दो नई लड़कियां ! क्या किस्मत है बाप !

- इसमें भी ऐसी कोई बुरी बात नहीं बोली है उसने। दुकानदार खांमखा डरा रहा था। प्रीतो ने सोचा ।

शाम को प्रीतो का पति संता घर आया । उसे देखते ही तोता चहक कर बोला - ओए संता ! तू यहां कैसे यार ?

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"

There was once a little boy who got very good grades, straight A's on every subject on every report card. His name was Billy. His father was very proud of him, and decided to give him one thing every year, whatever he wanted. The little boy, for one odd reason or another, chose a pink golf ball, each and every year. So finally, when the boy was sixteen, the dad got fed up with it and bought him a car. The son was fine with this, and took it on a joyride down to his favorite restaurant. He didn't want to drivethrough and he couldn't find a parking spot, but finally he found a spot on the other side of the street. He walked across happily, and halfway across, was hit by a truck. On his deathbed, the wounds were fatal, he was asked by his father: "What did you do with the pink golf balls?" The son replied: "Well I ---" With that he died.

The moral is that you should look both ways before crossing the street.

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since:

Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

दोस्ती नाम नहीं सिर्फ़ दोस्तों के साथ रेहने का..
बल्कि दोस्त ही जिन्दगी बन जाते हैं, दोस्ती में..

जरुरत नहीं पडती, दोस्त की तस्वीर की.
देखो जो आईना तो दोस्त नज़र आते हैं, दोस्ती में..

येह तो बहाना है कि मिल नहीं पाये दोस्तों से आज..
दिल पे हाथ रखते ही एहसास उनके हो जाते हैं, दोस्ती में..

नाम की तो जरूरत हई नहीं पडती इस रिश्ते मे कभी..
पूछे नाम अपना ओर, दोस्तॊं का बताते हैं, दोस्ती में..

कौन केहता है कि दोस्त हो सकते हैं जुदा कभी..
दूर रेह्कर भी दोस्त, बिल्कुल करीब नज़र आते हैं, दोस्ती में..

सिर्फ़ भ्रम हे कि दोस्त होते ह अलग-अलग..
दर्द हो इनको ओर, आंसू उनके आते हैं , दोस्ती में..

माना इश्क है खुदा, प्यार करने वालों के लिये "अभी"
पर हम तो अपना सिर झुकाते हैं, दोस्ती में..

ओर एक ही दवा है गम की दुनिया में क्युकि..
भूल के सारे गम, दोस्तों के साथ मुस्कुराते हैं, दोस्ती में. i miss you dost

मुझे देख कर अच्छा लगा की लोग प्यार के बारे मी अभी भी कुछ ख़याल तो रखते हैं क्योंकि आज के भागदौड़ की जिंदगी में लोगो के पास इतना समय कहा रहता है एक दुसरे से मिले और अपने बातों का इजहार करें लेकिन ये कमबख्त इंटरनेट हर मुश्किल आसान कर देता है अब आज का स्टेटस जो लोगो के gtalk में लगा है
-------------------------------------------------

Deepak Shrivastava:--

Sochte the...paani se juda hokar Ye 'MachhliyaaN' itna kyoN chatpatati hai,Na
maaloom tha...nazdikiyaaN aadat or...Aadat...aksar Jindgi ban jaati hai.

Dhanjet Dubey:-

ये आई लव यू कहना जीतना आसान है उतना हीन मुश्कील है इसको आगे भी जारी
रखना,क्युंकी ये आई लव यू कहने वाले इस दुनीया मे बहुत हैं लेकीन कीतने
लोग सफल हुए हैं ये आज तक दफ़न कहानी है, आशा है मेरे दोस्त तुम भी समझ
जाओगे.....

Deepak Jangir:--

Kabi Khud bhi Mere paas aa,Meri Baat sun Mera Saath de.....Jo Khalish hai Dil se
Nikal ker,Mujhe Uljhno se Nijaat de.....Tujhe Sochna Mera Tamnaa,Tujhe Dekhna
Meri Aarzoo.....Mujhe Dil de apne Khayal ka,Mujhe Qurb ki ek Raat de.....Meri
Zindagi Mere saath chal,Mere Haath mai apna Haath de.....Mujhe mai apna Haath
de.....Mujhe Ghum bhi Khushi se Qabool hain,Jo Tu agar Mera Saath

Lisa :-

apne jajbat ko nagmo main rachane ke liye maine dil main dhandkan ki tarah
basaya tumhe..main tassbur bhi judai ka kese karu maine haathon ki lakiro se
churaya hai tumhe..

बस मेरे समझ में १ बात नही आ रही है ये मामला क्या है???

अब इन्हे देखें यह कस्टम मेसेज मैंने सुबह किसी और का देखा था हो सकता है मैं सही न होऊं अभी जिसके पास है मुझे पता है यह इन सब चक्कर में नही है
पर किसके चक्कर मैं हैं ????

Katy:--

Dilon se khelne ka hunar hume nahi aata, Isiliye ishq ki baazi hum haar
gaye, Meri zindagi se shayad unhe bahut pyar tha, Isiliye mujhe
zinda hi maar gaye

अगर आपमें से किसी को भी इन मेसेज पर कोई आपति हो तो दिमान न लगाएं और १ मेल करें यहाँ :-- शिप्रा मिश्रा मैं आपने वादा करती हूँ १० मिनट के अन्दर आपके नाम और मेसेज हट जायेंगे धन्यवाद

यह टेडी बियर दीपक के लिए ! P2 के द्वारा भेजा गया orkut पर |
आशा करती हूँ अच्छा लगेगा !

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