Husband & Wife Jokes
Posted by
Deepak Shrivastava
Husband Aur Wife Hotel Me Gaye Tabhi 1 Lady Ne
Hello Kiya,
Wife- Koun Thi Wo?
Hus-Tum Dimag Kharab Mat Karo, Main Pehle Hi Pareshan Hu Ki Woh Bhi Yehi Puchegi
wife hit her husband with frying pan Husband: What was that for…?
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket
with the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I took part in a race last week
and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry..!
Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again
Husband: What now..?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.
Message of the year
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life…!!
Why? Very simple.
A woman does not have a wife..!!!
Wife came home with a goat.
Husband asked”Is bhains ko ghar kion lai ho?”
Wife:”Dikhta nahin, bakri hy!”
Husband:”Bakri se hi poch raha hon”
Husband wife mein ladai ho gayi
Husband wife mein ladai ho gayi,
Husband ghar se chala gaya ,
Husb:Rat ko phone pay,”Khanay mein kya hai”
Wife:Zeher.
Husb:Mai dair se aoonga, tum kha kar so jana:
Sir, my wife is missing.
Man: Sir, my wife is missing.
Postmaster:bhai ye post office hai, police station me complain dijiyee.
Man:Kya karon, khushi k mare kuch samajh nahin aa raha
Why did u shoot ur wife ?
Judge:why did u shoot ur wife, instead of shooting her lover?
Sardar:Your honour, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
How women call their husband in first 6 years
How woman calls their husband in first 6 years
Yr 1. Janu
Yr 2. O jee.
Yr 3. Sunte ho?
Yr 4. O bunty k pappa
Yr 5. Kahan mar gaye?
Yr 6. Tum aate ho ya main aaon?
Wife to husband:- kash aap sms hotay
Wife: Jaanu kash aap SMS hotay, Main aap ko save karti,
Husband: Jaan-e-man, kaash tum ring tone hoti, Main her haftay tumhe change karta
Sardar ki wife inspecter se!
Sardar ki wife inspecter se!
Mera husband ek hafte pehle aaloo lene gaya tha abhi tak wapis nahi aaye:-(
Inspector bhi sardar tha bola:- to behan kuch or paka lo:-)
1 horror movie dekhi
Husband:rat ko mene 1 horror movie dekhi, 1 chudeil kabhi mere aage
kabhi piche aur kabhi sath chal rahi thi,
Wife:Kaun si movie thi?
Husband:Apni shadi ki
Lovely Country Name meanings
H O L L A N D
Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I T A L Y
I Trust And Love You.
L I B Y A
Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F R A N C E
Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C H I N A
Come Here …I Need Affection.
B U R M A
Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N E P A L
Never Ever Part As Lovers.
I N D I A
I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K E N Y A
Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C A N A D A
Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction
K O R E A
Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every adversity.
E G Y P T
Everything’s Great, You Pretty Thing
M A N I L A
May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
P E R U
Phorget (Forget) Everyone… Remember Us.
T H A I L A N D
Totally Happy. Always In Love And Never Dull.H O L L A N D
Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I T A L Y
I Trust And Love You.
L I B Y A
Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F R A N C E
Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C H I N A
Come Here …I Need Affection.
B U R M A
Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N E P A L
Never Ever Part As Lovers.
I N D I A
I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K E N Y A
Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C A N A D A
Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction
K O R E A
Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every adversity.
E G Y P T
Everything’s Great, You Pretty Thing
M A N I L A
May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
P E R U
Phorget (Forget) Everyone… Remember Us.
T H A I L A N D
Totally Happy. Always In Love And Never Dull.
Some Cool Sms Jokes
Patient:-doctor mujhe beemari hae khana na khau to bhuk lag jaati hae,jyada kaam karta hu to thakan lag jaati hae,der tak utha rahu to need aa jaati hae.Kya karu?
Doctor:-Raat bhar dhoop mae bhete raho sahi ho jaoge.
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Ques - Santa ne aag mein jalte hue makaan se 7 logo ko baahar nikla lakin ab wo jail me hai kyun ?
Ans - Kunki sabi 7 log FIREMEN they.
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Film Director to Actor: Tum ko 100 feet ki height se swimming pool me jump lagana hai.
Actor: Par mere ko tairna nahi aata, mein doob jaunga.
Film Director: Don't worry, pool me paani nahi hai.
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Santa- Agar nariyal k ped pe chhad jaun to Engineering college ki ladkiyan dikh jaayengi??
Banta- Zaroor!! Aur haath chhod dega to medical college ki bhi dikh jaayengi.. ;-)
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GADHE ke samne 1 PAANI ki & 1 DARU ki balti rakhi'
GADHA Paani pi gaya.
Police ne sharabi se pucha- Tune is se kya sikha???
Sharabi- Jo DAARU nahi pita vo GADHA hai...
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1 ladka apne gf k liye chudiya lekar jata he!
GF- khud hi pehnado
Boy- mujhe kya pta tha itna acha response milega varna me kapde lekar ata
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Mushkil hai hal-e-dil unhe sunaye kaise
Mushkil hai hal-e-dil unhe sunaye kaise
Unki chahat hai hame unko ye bataye kaise
jamane ki majburiyo se baaj aaye kaise
kashti hai beech samandar me bachaye kaise
aandhiyo me diya aone ishq ka jalaye kaise
shara me aagaye hai gulshan ki talash me
baharo ko tere ghar ka pata bataye kaise
ham tanha nahi deewano ke sahar me aadin
jakhm kitne mile hai kisiko dikhaye kaise
Ankho se bahte aansuo ne bahut rulaya hame
ankho se bahte aansuo ne bahut rulaya hame
unhe bhulane ki kosis tamam naummid hogayi
Door jakar bhi hamse usne bahut sataya hame
Ishq ki gahraiyo se jo gujra na tha kabhi
fakat Usine aakhir bimar-e-ishq banaya hame
Thi jinse ummid meri kashti ko bachane ki
usi nakhuda ne aadin phir aaj dubaya hame
Father of the Nation
Subhash Chandra Bose is asked the same question.
When he replies he had 10 children, God is a bit upset and gives him a cheaper car, the Ford.
Jawaharlal is next.
He decides to see what happens if he says he had 15 children, God is pretty angry and gives him an inexpensive Maruti.
Sometime later the three see Mahatma Gandhi returning on foot.
They ask why God hadn’t given him anything.
Gandhiji replied with anger, “Some idiot told God that I was the FATHER OF THE NATION!”
Interview Of IAS
One young man went for an IAS Interview.
“When did India get independence?” He was asked.”The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947″ He replied.”Who was responsible for our independence?”.”There were so many. Whom to mention?.If I name one it will be a injustice to another.”He replied.”Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?”.”Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report” He replied.
The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others,since they were planning to ask the same questions. When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Sardar would not leave him.
“At least tell me the answers” he pleaded, and our friend obliged. Then it was the turn of this Sardar. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him.”By the way, what is your date of birth?” He replied, “The effort began a few years earlier
and final result was in 1947.” Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification.”What is your fathers name?” He replied, “There were so many. Whom to mention”. If I name one it will be injustice to another” The interviewer was incensed. “Hey! are you mad or what?” He replied.
“Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report.”
Men Are Like....
2. Men are like .Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like .....Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .....Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ..Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ......Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ....Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Conclusion - A sweet story
Beside the young man one couple was sitting and listing all the conversion between father and son. They were little awkward the attitude of 25 years old man behaving like a small child. Suddenly young man again shouted, "Papa see the pond and animals. Clouds are moving with train".
Couple was watching the young man in embarrassingly. Now its start raining and some of water drops touches the young man's hand. He filled with joy and he closed the eyes. He shouted again," Papa it's raining, water is touching me, see papa". Couple couldn't help themselves and ask to old man. Why don’t you visit the Doctor and get treated your son.
Old man said," Yes, We were coming from hospital only. Today only my son got the eyes first time in life".
Moral: "Don’t draw conclusions until you know all the facts".
Dinner Conversation Went Wrong
Wife: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
Husband: “Definitely not!”
Wife: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
Husband: “Of course I do.”
Wife: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
Husband: “okay, … I’d get married again.”
Wife: “You would???” (with a hurtful look on her face)
Husband: (makes an audible groan)
Wife: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
Husband: “Where else would we sleep?”
Wife: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
Husband: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
Husband: “No, …she’s left-handed.”
Wife: (silence)
Husband: “Oh…Shit.”
Labels:
Love and Marriage
Love and Marriage
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough!”.
Conclusion: “Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!” ‘,
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
jaise ki maut ko aadin kabhi aana na tha
jise chaha hamne usne apna jana na tha
mahfil me jakar karte bhi to kya karte
jab dard ye kisi ko sunana bhi na tha
hasrat to bahut thi jindagi se hamko
kya karte jeene ka koi bahana na tha
ankhen khuli kabra me raah dekhti rahi
tum na aaye aur tumhe aana bhi na tha
Ek maikada hi tha hamare dard ka rahbar
duniya me apna koi thikhana bhi na tha
ab kyun rote ho aaka meri kabra pe aakar
jaise ki maut ko aadin kabhi aana na tha
By - Aadin
Some 4 Liners part 2
haath aa kar haatho se choot hii jaate hain,
jinki vaffayo par hota hai bharosa,
aksar vi shakhs ruth hii jaate hain.
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Humko btaya tha unhone ek baar
ki unko sirf ujaale hii bhaate hain
kahin vo darr na jayein andhere mein
is liye roshni ke liye dil jlaaye jaate hain
************ ********* ********* ********* **
kuch hosh nahin hota, kuch yaad nahi hota,
kya mohabbat karne wala insaan ,insaan nahi hota,
jinhe nahi milti wo hi jaante hain kadar iski,
jinhe milti hai wo ispe meharbaan nahi hota...!
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Nigahein dar pe lagi hain aur hum udaas baithe hain,
Tere aane ki lekar aas baithe hain,
yu hi to nahin dil ki badhti dhadkane
aisa lagta hai jaise aap mere paas baithe hain...
************ ********* ********* ********* *
Tujhe yaqeen nahi magar yahi sach hai
mein terey waastey umrein guzaar sakta hoon
yahi nahi ke tujhey jeetne ki khawaahish hai
Mein terey waastey khud ko bhi haar sakta hoon
Some 4 Liners
saare haseen khab choor choor ho gaye
humne wafa nibhayi to badnamiyan mili aur
jo log bewafa the wo mashhoor ho gaye
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Pyaar ki har rasam nibha di humne,
tujhe paane ke liye hasti mita di humne ,
tumne kadar na jaani meri vaffayo ki,
teri aarzoo mein har khushi luta di humne.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Meri tassali ke liye muskuraya to karo,
fijool hii sahi aankhe milaya to karo,
itni bhi dushmani achhi nahi hoti,
kabhi-kabhi humari gali mein bhi aaya to karo.
************ ********* ********* ********* **
Kaash tum vaade apne nibha jaate,
kissi surat dil mera behla jaate,
kyon maikhane jaa kar hum shraab uthate,
agar tum aankho se apni pila jaate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Todkar dil mera tum pachtayogi bohat,
yaad mein humari ashq bahayogi bohat,
hum vo hain jo mudkar nahi dekha karte,
lootkar na aayenge vaise tum bulayogi bohat.
Inspirational Story - Best Moral
A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd's attention, said,
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife !"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
.
.
.
.
.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He
tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager
finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was !"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....
Moral of the story : Don't copy if you can't paste
Dil me basaya hai tumhe
kuch meri ghajle suna karo kuch apne sher kaha karo
jab hote ho paas to dhadkane jawan hoti hai dil ki
na do jindagi ki dua bus mere kareeb raha karo
tumhe dekhte hai to in aankho ko sukoon hota hai
so jayein kabhi to ban ke khwab ankho me raha karo
Aadin Dil hai banjar baharo se dushmani hai meri
kabhi ban kar sawan mere rooh par barsa karo
Performance Pressure
"Agar tum logon ne kal se Do -- Do ande nahi diye to kal se tumhara dana pani band "
Murgiya dar gayi ....sab ne do do ande diye magar ek murgi ne sirf ek anda diya "
Malik "tum ne 1 anda hi kyon diya "
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.
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Jawab mila.
.
..
"Sir ye aapke darr ki wajah se de diya hai, waise to main Murga hoon.
Ek Khwahish Hai
ke iss deedaar ki baat ki koi tamanna na rahe
ek khwaish hai uss dil tak pahunche sadayein
ke do dilon ki dhadkonon mein koi doori na rahe
ek khwaish hai rishta jood jaye uss naam se
ke phir jooda rehne ki koi majboori na rahe
ek khwaish hai woh pyar mile unse
ke iss dil ki koi aur arzoo na rahe
ek khwaish hai woh haath tham le is tarah
ke phir iss dil ki koi kamjori na rahe
ek khwaish hai maut aa jaye unki baahon mein
ke phir zindagi se koi shikayat na rahe
ek khwaish hai ke laut aaye woh
ke phir intzaar ki koi wajah na rahe
ek khwaish hai bhar jaye khushiyon se daaman
ke kisi gham ki koi jagah na rahe
ek khwaish hai sang chale woh umr bhar mere
ke phir kisi aur ka aasra na rahe
ek khwaish poori ho jaye her khwaish iss dil ki
ke phir khuda se koi iltazaa na rahe.
Shayari with Fun
na janey kyun annkhen naam hein hamari
koi to hay sala jo pyaz kaat raha hay...
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jee bhar kar hamen roney do Aaaj
ek hi larki ka number tha wo bhi delete hogaya.
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Lait ke aksar ye sochta hoon main
agar baith kar sochon to konsi maut aajaeygi....
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aaj wo milney per bohot hans rahi thi
uskey janey ke baad pata chala ke meri pant ki zip khuli thi....
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hawa sehat k liye achi hoti hey dosto
us ney ye keh kar meri dhoti khenchli....
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aadin aansuo se na ho daman kisi ka maila
badal gaya wo sakhs mere halat badal kar
jispe hua tera karam wo khushnaseeb hoga
mere armaan bah gaye ashko ke sath dhalkar
tere julfo ke saaye dil aaj bhi dhundta hai
kabhi kali ghata bankar kafi chawn bankar
roshan hui hai shama uth ke mahfil se meri
mere charag bujh rahe hai teri yaad me jalke
aye khuda de pata mujhe mere sukoon-e-yaar ka
jo chip gaya hai kahi mere jabaat badalkar
aadin aansuo se na ho daman kisi ka maila
aaino ka sahar hai ye le saans bhi sambhal ke
Pappu and Doctor
Pappu : Doctor saheb Pehle se zyada kharab ho gayi hai.Doctor : dawai khali thi kya?
Pappu : Nai doctor saheb. dawai ki shishi to bhari hui thi.
Doctor : Are Pappu ji mere kehne ka matlab hai ki, dawai le li thi kya.
Pappu : Ji, aapne dawai de di thi aur maine le li thi.
Doctor: Abe, dawai pili thi kya?
Pappu : Oho, nai doctor saheb dawai to lal thi.
Doctor : Abe GADHE, Dawai ko piliya tha kya?
Pappu : Nai. Doctor, Piliya to mujhe tha.
Doctor( in frustration) : Abe teri to, Dawai ko muh lagakar Pet me dala tha k nai?
Pappu : Nai doctor saheb.
Doctor : Kyon?
Pappu : Kyonki dhakkan band tha.
Doctor : Teri sale, to Khola kyon nai.
Pappu : Saheb, aapne hi to kaha tha ki, shishi ka dhakkan band rakhna.
Doctor : Tera ilaj main nai kar sakta.
Pappu : Accha Doctor saheb ye to bata do ki main thik kaise hounga
Pappu Pass Ho Gaya
par uski laash muskuratay hue mili
baghwan ne pucha aisa kyun?
pappu bola “mai nu laga koi photo khinch raiya ae”
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Pappu: Kaam wali shanti ko bulao.!
Wife: Kyun?
Pappu: Doctor ne kaha hai, raat mein dawa khane ke baad shanti ke saath so jaana.
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pappu on telephone : maa ek khus khabri hai…maa : kya khus khabri hai ?pappu : aaj hum do se teen ho gaye….maa : mubarak ho.. ladka hua ya ladki ?pappu : meri biwi ne dusri shaadi karli hai…
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One day evening a Pappuji starts from office to home with pushing his scooter manually. He met his friend on the way… Friend: why are you pushing your scooter manually? Pappuji: ‘I forgot to bring the scooter key from my home. Friend: ‘Is it! Then, how did you come to office from home in the morning?’ Pappuji: ‘I was pushing my scooter from home to office also in the morning.
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Pappu and his wife filed an application 4 Divorce.
Judge asked: How will you divide, you have 3 children?
Pappu replied: Ok! We"ll apply NEXT YEAR
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Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Pappuji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar: what do u mean by Ph.d?
Pappuji : (smiling) PASSED HIGH SCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. ..
Love and Ego
Once upon a time, there was an island, where all the feelings livedtogether. Love, Joy, Peace, Wonder, Amazement, Awe, even hatred & envy andall those you can think of...One day there was a storm in the sea and the island was about to getdrowned. Every feeling was scared but Love made a boat to escape. Everyfeeling boarded the boat. One feeling was left behind. Love got down to seewho it was.
It was EGO
Love tried and tried but ego wasn't moving meanwhile the water was risingby the minute. Every one asked love to leave him and come on the boat, butlove was made to love, he could not leave Ego alone to die. At last all thefeelings escaped and Love died with ego on the island.
Love dies because of EGO.
patthar pe khichi lakeer mitaye kaise
patthar pe khichi lakeer mitaye kaise
bhool gaya hai mujhe vajood apna hi
Ankho me aks kiska hai bataye kaise
mujhe karke benoor chala gaya sakhs wo
ki khud rang apna kisiko dikhaye kiase
ho jurm to maut bhi haskar kabool
haiapne hi ishq ko mujrim tharaye kaise
apne halat par usse sawal karte aadin
par jo soya ho kabr me use jagaye kaise
पत्नी चालीसा
तुम्हारी महिमा कोई ना जाने !! 1 !!
हमने समझा तुम अबला हो,
पर तुम तो सब से बड़ी बाला हो. !! 2 !!
जिस दिन हाथ में बेलन आवे,
उस दिन पति खूब चिल्लावे !! 3 !!
सारे बेड पे पत्नी सोवे,
पति बैठ फर्श पर रोवे. !! 4 !!
तुमसे ही घर मथुरा,काशी,
और तुमसे ही घर सत्यानसी. !! 5 !!
पत्नी चालीसा जो नर गावे,
सब सुख छोड़ परम दुख पावे.!!
gali ka luccha kutta humko din dahade kaat gaya
kaise achanak jaag gaya
meri jalebi ki khushboo ko
na jaane kaise bhaap gaya
phir laga peeche aane woh
pathar mara toh bhaag gaya
mere nihathe hote hi woh
phir meri taraf raftaar hua
mera dhuwadar farrata mano
phir pura bekaar gaya
gali ka luccha kutta humko
din dahade kaat gaya
Famous Quotes from Chanakya
Life is what happens when you plan to do other things - John Lennon
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Learn from the mistakes of others… you can’t live long enough to make them all yourselves!!
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Aperson should not be too honest. Straight trees are cut first and Honest peopleare screwed first.”
- Chanakya
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“Even if a snake is not poisonous, it should pretend to be venomous.”
- Chanakya
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“The biggest guru-mantra is: Never share your secrets with anybody. It will destroy you.”
- Chanakya
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“There is some self-interest behind every friendship. There is no friendship without self-interests. This is a bitter truth.”
- Chanakya
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- Chanakya
Hindi Jokes
1 - टीचर: सच ओर वहम में क्या फ़र्क़ है ?
स्टूडेंट: आप जो हमें पढ़ा रही हैं वो सच है, लेकिन हम सब पढ़ रहे हैं ये आपका वहम है……..
2 - लड़का: माँ, आज मेरा दोस्त घर आ रहा है….
घर के सब खिलोने छिपा दे.
माँ: तेरा दोस्त चोर है क्या?
लड़का: नहीं, वो अपने खिलोने पहेचान लेगा !
3 - एक छोटा बच्चा बहुत देर से घर के बाहर खड़ा दरवाजे की घंटी बजाने की कॉसिश कर रहा था.तो एक बूढ़ा आदमी आया और कहा:
बूढ़ा आदमी: क्या कर रहे हो बेटा?
बच्चा: अंकल, यह घंटी बजाना चाहता हूँ.
बूढ़ा आदमी (घंटी बजI के): यह लो बज गया, अब क्या है?
बच्चा: अब भागो!
4 - कस्टमर: मुझे फोन पेर धमकिया मिल रही है.
पोलीस: कौन है वो जो आपको धमकिया दे रहा है?
कस्टमर: टेलिफोन वाले बोलते है के, “बिल नही भरोगे तो काट देंगे.”
5 - मालिक: तुम बाथरूम में क्यू घुस आए, क्या तुम्हे पता नही था की मैं नहा रहा हूँ?
नौकर: हज़ूर ग़लती हो गयी, में समझा था बेगम साहिबा है.
ठीक ही कहते हैं, फालतू काम फ़ुर्सत में ही तो किए जाते हैं.
Fun With Shayari
dil tumhari saheli par aa jaye to mat kehna,
main to aashiq hoon khoobsurti ka jaana,
meri baarat tumhare pados me aaye to mat kehna
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Dil ki baat dil mein mat rakhna,
Jo pasand ho usse ILU kehna,
Agar wo gusse mein aa jaaey to darna mat,
Raakhi nikalna aur kehna pyari behna milti rehna.
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Lab khamosh hote hain jab tum saamne aati ho,
Dil dhadakta hai jab nigaahein milaati ho,
Saans ruk jaati hai jab muskuraate ho,
Bhoot ho kya jo tum itna daraate ho.
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Oooooooooooooooo!!!Huzoor bhad mein gaya tera suroor,
Surat se tu lagta khajoor,
Bidi Ki Factory ka majdoor,
Chal Ho jaa Dooooor,
Gadhe, Ullu, Langoor.
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Funny Shayaries
Bin unke dedaar ke reh bhi nahi paatein hai
Jaane kyun dil ki baat dil hi main reh jaati hai
Hum nukkad pe khade rahate hai woh nikal jaati hai....
Roz sochte hai ki dil ki baat zubaan pe layenge
Issi baras phir dilwale dulhaniyaa le jaayengee.
Par afsoos baat jubaan pe aakee atak jaati hai
Aur uske saamne aate hi palak jhapak jaati hai....
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Exams ke 4 din pehle syllabus dekha
to yaad aaya kuch to hua hai kuch ho gaya hai,
exams ke din paper dekh kar yaad aaya
sab kuch alag hai sab kuch naya hai.
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Koi achha lage to use pyar mat karna,
uske liye apni ninden bekaar mat karna,
do din to aayenge khushi se milne,
teesre din kahenge mera intjar mat karna...
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unki her ek ada ke hum kayal ho gaye,
unki tirchi nazar se jo hum ghayal ho gaye
assaliyat jani hamne ki nazar tirchi hai unki
to laga aisa sadma ki hum pagal ho gaye
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Jokes for Fun
Bania: Yeh kitne ka hai?
Shopkeeper: Rs 500.
Kanjoos Bania: Arey bhai daily wear dikhaao, party wear nahi
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Santa ek baar naye shahar me gaya.waha bus se utar ke mitti ko utha ke bola
"waaah" yahan ki mitti ki khushboo hi alag hai.. Ek adami bola abe sale
dhyan se dekh ye mitti nahi gobar hai...!!!
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Ek chor amir aadmi ke ghar mein chori karne gaya. Tijori pe likha tha “Tijori ko todne ki jaroorat nahi hai, 452 number press karke sahmne vala lal batan dabao, tijori khul jayegi. Jaise hi batan daba alarm baja aur police aa gayi.”
Jate jate chor seth se bola: Aaj mera insaaniyat se vishwas uth gaya hai!
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Shopkeeper: Agar itane paise bachaane hon toh kaagaj ki kyoon nahee pehan lete?
Baniya: Ghar ke saare puraane kaagaj mera betaa le gayaa... baniyaan banaane ke liye
Husband Wife Jokes
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear I know, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'
Its Just for fun…
Shaadi ke pehle - Agar Tum Na Hote
Shaadi ke baad - Agar Tum Na Hote
Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya
Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Hai
Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha
Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye
Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye
Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge
Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge
Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi
Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap
Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap
Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic
Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage
Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun?
Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Kaaran
Shaadi ke pehle - Yes Boss
Shaadi ke baad - Yes Boss
Shaadi ke pehle - Mere Sapno Ki Rani
Shaadi ke baad - Chutki Ki Amma
Shaadi ke pehle - Kabhi Kabhi
Shaadi ke baad - If you are lucky
Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen
Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?
Shaadi se pehle - Biviho to esi
Shaadi ke baad - Bivi hai kesi ?
Shaadi se pehle - Hero No. 1
Interview of An IAS
"When did India get independence?" He was asked.
"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.
"Who was responsible for our independence?"
"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another." He replied.
"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"
"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.
The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.
When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.
Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him." By the way, what is your date of birth?"
He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."
Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"
He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".
The interviewer was incensed.
"Hey! Are you mad or what?"
He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."
Hindi Jokes
नौकर: हज़ूर ग़लती हो गयी, में समझा था बेगम साहिबा है.
2 - टीचर: सच ओर वहम में क्या फ़र्क़ है ?
स्टूडेंट: आप जो हमें पढ़ा रही हैं वो सच है, लेकिन हम सब पढ़ रहे हैं ये आपका वहम है……..
3- लड़का: माँ, आज मेरा दोस्त घर आ रहा है….
घर के सब खिलोने छिपा दे.
माँ: तेरा दोस्त चोर है क्या?
लड़का: नहीं, वो अपने खिलोने पहेचान लेगा !
4- एक छोटा बच्चा बहुत देर से घर के बाहर खड़ा दरवाजे की घंटी बजाने की कॉसिश कर रहा था.तो एक बूढ़ा आदमी आया और कहा:
बूढ़ा आदमी: क्या कर रहे हो बेटा?
बच्चा: अंकल, यह घंटी बजाना चाहता हूँ.
बूढ़ा आदमी (घंटी बजi के): यह लो बज गया, अब क्या है?
बच्चा: अब भागो!
5- कस्टमर: मुझे फोन पेर धमकिया मिल रही है.
पोलीस: कौन है वो जो आपको धमकिया दे रहा है?
कस्टमर: टेलिफोन वाले बोलते है के, “बिल नही भरोगे तो काट देंगे.”
6 - लोग कहते हैं की खुदा ने आपको बड़ी फ़ुर्सत में बनाया है…
ठीक ही कहते हैं, फालतू काम फ़ुर्सत में ही तो किए जाते हैं.
7 - जो तुमको हो पसंद वोही बात कहेंगे,
तुम दिन को अगर रात कहो तो रात कहेंगे,
क्यूंकी… … "पागलो से बहस नही की जा सकती"….
8 - बहू का फर्स्ट अफेयर सुनने के बाद ससुर ने बहू को मारा!
2न्ड अफेयर पता लगने पर पति ने मारा!
लेकिन सास हर बार चुप रही!
क्यूँ??
.
क्यूंकी सास भी कभी बहू थी!
9 - टीचर: उसने खुद खुशी कर ली, उससे खुद खुशी करनी पड़ी, डिफरेन्स बताओ.
स्टूडेंट: पहले वाला पढ़ा लिखा बेरोज़गार था, दूसरा शादी शुदा था.
10 - एक बार एक तोता उड़ रहा था फुल स्पीड पर.
उसके सामने अचानक फुल स्पीड में एक फरारी आ रही थी, दोनो की टक्कर हुई…
तोता बेहोश होगा या, रास्ते में एक भिकारी था उसने तोता को उठाया और घर ले गया.
उसको मरहम लगाया और पिंजरे में रख दिया.
जब तोता को होश आया, उसने अपने आप को पिंजरे में देखा.
और बोला, “आईला … जेल …. वो फरारी का ड्राइवर मर गया क्या ??
Hasi Ke Hasgulle
CIRCUIT : Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI : Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT : Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bail, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Bailgaadi.
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Jeeto: Ek baat batani hai, par plz muje marna nahi.
Santa: Bolo.
Jeeto: Mein Pregnant hu!
Santa: It's a gud News. Isme maarne wali kya baat hai ji.
Jeeto: Shadi k pahle pitaji ko bataya to bahut maar padi thi.
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Santa ke ghar Ladki ne janam liya..
Banta: jab ladki badi hogi to ladke ise chedenge.
Santa: Maine iska intejaam kar liye hai.
Banta: kya kiya?
Santa: Ladki ka naam DIDI rakh diya hai.
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Ek pathan Cycle chalate aur gungunate howe kahin ja raha tha rastae mein ek aurat se takra betha.
Aurat chilla kar boli, “Break nahi maar sakte they kya???”
Pathan herat se… “Pura cycle mar deya abhi break mar kar kia faida.”
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Ek 10 saal ka bachha bahot dhyan se ek book pad raha tha, jiska title tha: “Kids ka paalan poshan kaise kare”.
Mother: Tum yeh book kyon pad rahe ho.
Kid: Main yeh dekhna chahta hoon ke mera paalan poshan theek tara se ho raha hai ya nahi.
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New Jokes Collection
biwi boli
Apne Gusse pe kabu rakho Varna 1din sare Dosto se Hath
dho bethoge.
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Beta papa se: Papa main itna bada kab ho jaunga ki mummy se bina poochey ghar se bahar ja sakoo.
Papa thandi saans lete hue: Beta, itna bada toh abhi main bhi nahi hua hoon.
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Baap bete se: Car mein puncture kaise ho gaya?
Beta: Sadak par bottle padi thi.
Baap: Bottel dikhayi nahi di tujhe!
Beta: Ladke ki jeb mein thi.
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Math Teacher : If a=b and b=c then a=c, now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.
Student : I love you sir and you love your daughter which means I love your daughter.
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A sardar prays daily for 2 hours,
"He Vahe Guru meri lottery lagade."
After 11 years Vahe Guru angrily appeared & said,"Khoti de puttar 1 lottery ticket to le le"
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Hitler says, "There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary"
Sardar says: Ab bolne se kya faayda? "Jub kharidi thi tab hi check karna tha na"
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Sardar: Yaar mujhe 1 hathora or keel chahiye computer k liye.
Sales man: Magar computer me inka kya kaam?
Sardar: Oye yaar mujhe computer me windows lagani hai.
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1st sardar: o yar agar neend na aaye to kya kia jaaye?
2nd Sardar: Neend ka intizar karne se achha hai ke banda soo hi jaye
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In bio practical:
Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only?
Sardar: I don't know.
Examiner: You are failed, what's your name?
Sardar: See my legs & tell my name
Hindi Prof. Begin to start English
* Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
* Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor
* You, meet me behind the class ( meaning AFTER the class) when I am empty
(meaning when he is FREE).
* Both of u three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the windows please .. I have winter in my nose today...
* Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
* Take 5 cm wire of any length....
About his family :
* I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)
At the ground :
* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.
To a boy, angrily :
* I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk?
Giving a punishment :
* You, rotate the ground four times...
* You, go and under-stand the tree...
* You three of you, stand together separately.
* Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)
आज भी है !!!!!!!!
teri yaad se rishta aaj bhi hai,,
Dil apna dukhta kal bhi tha
dil ye udaas aaj bhi hai,,
Jo pyar hum tum karte they
woh pyar to zinda aaj bhi hai,,
Hum bichad gaye is doori mein
tum door ho majboori mein,,
Kabhi waqt mile to chali ana
khula dil ka darwaza aaj bhi hai,,
Na sataao, na tadpaao..... .
na mehfil mein yu tanha chodo,
Teri yaad me jaage kal bhi they,
teri yaad me jaage aaj bhi hain......
याद आते हैं वो दिन |
आज हर वो दिन जीने को मन करता है |
कुछ बुरी बातें जो अब अच्छी लगती हैं |
कुछ बातें जो कल की ही बातें लगती हैं |
अबकी बार क्लास अटेंड करने का मन करता है |
दोपहर की क्लास में आखें बंद करने को मन करता है |
दोस्तों के रूम की वो बातें याद आती है |
एक्जाम के टाइम पे वो हँसी मजाक याद आती है |
कॉलेज के पास वाली तड़ी की चाय याद आती है |
तब की बेकार लगने वाली फोटो चेहरे पे हँसी लाती है |
अपनी गलतियों पे तुमसे दांत खाना याद आता है |
पर तुम्हारी गलती देखने का अब भी मनन करता है |
एक ऐसी सुबह उठने का मनन करता है |
बस एक बार वापस लौटने का मन करता है |
बस एक बार और वापस लौटने का मन करता है |
खुशबू को महसूस कर जाया करते हैं
तो उसके लिए १ शेर :-
धन्यवाद
कुछ रिश्ते होते हैं "हवाओं" की तरह,
बनके "खुशबू" ज़िन्दगी मैं घुल जाया करते हैं,
कुछ शख्स होते हैं "धुन" की तरह,
बनके "ग़ज़ल" ज़िन्दगी सुरमई कर जाया करते हैं,
जाने क्यूँ जब भी ज़िक्र होता है नाम का आपके,
हम "ग़ज़ल" की "धुन" और "हवाओं" की "खुशबू" को महसूस कर जाया करते हैं.......
दीपक श्रीवास्तव